Throwback Blogs - Why Is My Life Flashing Before My Eyes?

We have all heard the expression, “my life flashed before my eyes!” Often used as a form of storytelling and dramatic license during a time of threat or near death, the person experiences flashbacks of significant life milestones and events.

While some psychologists have studied this phenomenon in relation to near-death experiences and have reached several hypotheses, what it means “scientifically” is not what I have been focused on lately.

For the past few months, my life has indeed been flashing before my eyes. Maybe flashing is not the right word as many of these past incidents have played out rather methodically with a deliberate purpose it seems.

I am fairly sure I am not approaching a physical death, although one never knows, I do not have a feeling it is near. However, I do discern death is all around me, but in the figurative sense.

A therapist friend of mine likes to say that emotions and feelings enjoy having a party, and all are invited. In other words, one emotion triggers a memory leading to an avalanche of pesky participants all hell-bent on causing havoc!

My life has been filled with many happy and not-so-pleasant experiences. Sometimes life is a magical journey and other times it just plain sucks! I have never been a proponent of forced positivity and always maintaining a grateful heart.

Gratitude journals give me anxiety! I see no reason to push down and reject the negative to elevate the positive.

They co-exist every day, but in different proportions. Some days white light takes center stage while other times the dark clouds roll in and refuse to leave until the sun pushes them out. This is how it is, and no amount of positive Instagram postings and uplifting quotes can eclipse this universal equilibrium.

My flashback intruders have decided to adopt a Boolean Search of sorts.

Developed by a 19th century English mathematician, Boolean searches combine words and phrases using the words AND, OR, and NOT to refine a search query. Of course, what is old is new again, and Boolean searches are utilized every day when filtering internet search results.  

My persistent reminiscences (AND how dare they) have decided to search Diane Bruno AND hardship, AND unfairness AND injustice AND everything negative NOT happy.

My flashback spotlight has shined explicitly on past remembrances of sexual harassment, unfulfilling work, unequal pay, ageism, abusive bosses, demeaning sexual relationships, unfair social norms, discrimination, victimization, time-wasting, AND trauma. This is a lot to digest, but as someone who has always lived in the shadows, I am up to the task and have the insight to face this dark intruder head-on!

My favorite card in the tarot is the Death card, followed not too far behind by the Tower. What these Major Arcana cards have in common is transition, my favorite word, and state of being.

Change begins by recognizing and embracing the negative. Our brains have a way of filing away memories in specific boxes, we compartmentalize what we do not want to face and write and adopt narratives to fit our current reality. Lessons, mistakes, and transgressions are not always used to carve out a greater and more fulfilling existence.

I understand my flashback interlopers and I am grateful for their visitation. They have forced me to evaluate my life and embrace the mistakes I have made and the injustices I have endured. I have allowed people and situations into my life that have not benefitted my greater good, but I have chosen to bury them in a place of denial.

For a while, this denial served me well, allowing me to move forward and survive when I needed to.

But their specters have now surfaced not to haunt me, but to alert me. Now is the time to look back to look ahead. I have a newfound awareness of what has affected me the most. What I need to tackle now to be happy, content, and fulfilled in the many days to come of my LIVING legacy!

Trauma is a powerful and very personal word. I have identified my traumas and the power I possess in transforming them into valuable lessons.

I have started Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART) which works to reprogram our reaction to past trauma with the goal of releasing those triggers that cause anxiety. I will report back on my experience and takeaways.

I am thankful to my flashback friends for leading me to where I am today. They came equipped to teach me and help me on my journey of enlightenment.

Now, having accomplished their mission, they need to take a well-earned vacation. I wish them well!